just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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