did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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