I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
