my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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