he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
