Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize