nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
