Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
His hands were made for my vagina.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
