I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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