I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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