I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
