Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
