Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
