gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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