im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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