I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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