The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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