You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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