She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
