how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
