tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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