I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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