So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
