dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is the high leading the old right now
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
