I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
