The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
