Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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