so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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