Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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