Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
