she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
