walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
