Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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