he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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