I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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