I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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