i love accidental penises.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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