I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
