so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
