i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
