i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
