I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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