yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
