I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
