I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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