mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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