he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
