What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
