wanna go halves on a baby?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
