The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
