omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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