i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
